Jan Serfontein says his body was screaming at him to stop, but the mental battle to walk away from rugby nearly broke him.
The former Springbok centre has revealed the agonising internal struggle that preceded his shock retirement announcement, admitting he wrestled daily with conflicting voices telling him to quit and to carry on.
“One side of me constantly told me: ‘Jan, you can’t stop.’ The other side said: ‘It’s time to finish!’ It gnawed at me,” the 33-year-old told Rapport.
Serfontein still had two years remaining on his Bulls contract but said his body could no longer meet the demands.
“There was this constant turmoil,” he said. “I had this pressure and thought: ‘What will people say if I retire at 31 or 32 years old?’ There were the expectations that I can’t stop. However, it was so difficult for me to continue. Lately it was daily a mental and physical challenge just to get through a training session.
“I just decided I couldn’t continue like this for another two years. Then I’m not being honest with myself. I’m not satisfied with myself that I can’t play and train full out like I would like to.”
A recent neck injury forced Serfontein to confront uncomfortable truths about his future quality of life.
“I asked myself if it’s still worth it to put my body through this,” he said. “I have two little daughters. I want to play tennis with them someday. I want to run with them. I want to chase and catch them. I still want to play a lot with them.”
This story was first published on sarugbymag.co.za. It is republished here with permission.
